Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
