Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
