My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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