my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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