Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
