Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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