no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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