New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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