just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
