You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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