You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
