how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
