I am puke
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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