Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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