Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
