my phone needs a breathalizer
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
