I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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