Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All I want is dick and wine.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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