Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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