I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
