It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
