U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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