Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
