True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
