I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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