I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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