She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
