Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
