glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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