Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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