Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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