She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
