I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
