I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
