I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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