You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
