Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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