I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Randomize
