I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
