worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
