This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
