Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
