cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
