i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
