So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you had me at cake vodka
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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