okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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