My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
