There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
