one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
