What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
