if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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