im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
