Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
