I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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