I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
