good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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